Does your ego run your relationship?

By Capt SistaGurl, Laura Miller
For eons, the ego has remained undefeated. It’s the thing that drives once reasonable people into insecurity, starts wars, it’s the tiny cricket on our shoulder that tells us how much “they got us fucked up”, and most importantly it can be the lead actor in the screenplay of our relationships. I have been known to pump my chest out in arrogance, so I took some time to draft a few examples on how our ego plays a role in our dating, marriage, and relationship lives.

The social media related ego. This one is ranked number one because it’s probably the most common. You take yourself onto the page of their current or former paramour and compare yourself to them. “She’s not cuter than me, I’m skinnier than her, why was he even with her?”, “She left me for this dude, he’s lame.” 

Friends, SistaGurls, my people, here’s the thing. Whether the new person or ex is a supermodel, it doesn’t matter. Why? They chose you, or the relationship is over, please refrain from trying to dig into a complete stranger’s personal business, because nobody is built like you, and it really doesn’t matter who that person is.

The more you know about them, the higher levels of insecurity you’ll feel for yourself and that relationship. If the relationship is over, the new person they’re with should not be a litmus test for your worth, because in the end, the relationship is over, and if you want to move on in a healthy way, you’ll leave them and their pages alone. 

The anatomy of being ghosted. Whether you’re in a situationship, dating, or in a real relationship being ghosted is the ULTIMATE EGO BRUISER. Someone that comes into your life cozies themselves into your day to day and then bails,  should be prosecuted. However, if we remove our egos from the occurrence you might find out a few things. 

A. This person obviously isn’t comfortable with relaying bad news, and most likely doesn’t like confrontation, so instead of having an upfront conversation with you, THEY LEAVE. Spoiler alert, all these things are internal issues that have nothing to do with you, ergo, this ghosting was self-prompted and you have been redeemed.

B. This person had ill intentions. Let’s call it a “smash and dash” for lack of a phrase. This particular all-star of a human, comes in your life, basically repeated all your desires back to you to make it sound like you both shared "common goals". They persued you viciously, got exactly what they want from you, aka - the draws or some cash and poof- they're gone. Radio silence. How do you reconcile this? I’ll tell you how, this person is not ready for what you mentioned, had no intentions of being ready for you, and did you the favor of not wasting any more of your time. Congrats! You dodged a bullet friends! I bring you, absolution friends, this too, is not your fault! 

Mr. and Mrs. Me Too 

Back in the day, The Clipse made a song called Mr. Me Too. The premise is simple, you do something and the person around you miraculously have done this too. This is the superego that feels like while dating or in a relationship, a person has to either match or surpass the efforts of their partner.

The most toxic example of this would be cheating, one mate cheats and rather than actually ending the relationship or gathering some communicative understanding they cheat back! Okay friends, unless you want to ensure a matching pair of z-pack medications, this is not the type of behavior to improve a relationship.

In a more healthy encounter, Mr. Me Too example can include something like finances. In this example, your mate makes more than you, which in our mind can make us feel as though they yield more power in the relationship. Another example is a mate/suitor who might receive more attention in public or through social media. The ego comes into to play and suddenly you're compelled to shoot workout videos butt first on the gram. Let this go! Allow your mate to shine. I've said this countless times and continue to say it, the internet is NOT A REAL PLACE, a person that has 30k followers doesn't make them super being, it doesn't make them impervious to hurt or fair treatment, it just means they are well versed in analytics. The light will, in fact, touch you. It’s the law of attraction. Validation doesn’t work properly when you’re in competition with the person that’s adding value to your life. Allow them to add that value.

These are just a few examples, there are many. The moral of the story, reasoning, and logical thinking can help in all things, especially within our relationships. Sometimes we have to be aware of how often prior hurt feelings and ego play into the decisions and habits we've developed. In true quarantine fashion, we have plenty of time to work on ourselves and improve upon who we are, so let's get to work :). 

Stay in your light.
Xoxo
Laura Miller 

Photo Credit: L.David Stewart. Courtesy of y60rphotography