Skip to main content

Fairy Tales, Fallacies and Falsehoods: How R&B music can misguide relationship ideals

By: Rapmusiq  
  
I must begin this article with the clear disclaimer that I am a deep lover of 90’s R&B, Neo-Soul and any other music that falls remotely into these categories.  This music provided the soundtrack to my adolescence and helped shape the level of expectation that I had for future relationships.  I know this music backward and forward and you would be hard pressed to find an R&B hit from this era that I would be unfamiliar with; let alone not know every single lyric and plot of the music video.  I remember seeing the music video for “Someone to Love you” by Ruff Endz where the female protagonist, a new college student meets a gorgeous male student in the library and falls in love.  

I watched that video for the first time as a junior high school student and I was convinced that this was how I would meet my husband.  Needless to say, this was not the case.  Not that I did not meet plenty of extremely nice, caring, driven young men throughout undergrad and beyond, but none of these encounters had storybook beginnings, middles or ends.  It was all just plain ole, real life which is always more exciting and often more harsh than fiction.  This is my humble opinion of the ways in which R&B music past and present encourages a false level of expectation in real life romantic relationships.

Idyllic Love

Firstly, R&B music makes it seem as though an individual’s life is not complete without a romantic partner.  I am a firm believer that human beings are meant to exist in a community and were not meant to live in isolation, contrary to the trend that many technologies promote.  Human beings yearn for connectivity on a number of levels and having a romantic interest and partner can be a supremely fulfilling part of your life. However, it is not the only reason we were put on Earth.  It is important to remember that prior to being in a relationship or looking for one: you had a life.  Most people have family (whom they are born into), friends (the family you choose) and a community whom you have been a part of long before that special someone appeared on the scene.

ended, everyone, especially Queen Bey would be devastated. But as the Queen also told us in ‘Sorry’ ‘I and my baby we gon be alright/We gon have a good life’ demonstrating her ability to move on in the event of an unhealthy romantic environment. Luckily for them and for us, they were able to share what it looks like to work through romantic discord, restore health, joy and come back stronger than ever!
           
These songs also make support the notion that if love is lost or a relationship doesn’t work out, your life will end.  Fact: Your life will not end due to the end of a relationship unless you choose to end it.  Song’s like Toni Braxton’s "Breathe again" or Jordan Sparks "No air" eloquently use the example of not being able to breathe, (which we all know leads to certain death) to illustrate the suffocating feeling of losing love. However realistic these poetic lyrics might seem, it only feels this way for a short period of time.  You will not actually die.  Slowly but surely, you will return to normalcy.  You will find things to occupy your excess time, rediscover things and people that you enjoy and adopt new and exciting experiences that will make you better for being released from that person.  It also doesn’t mean that because your relationship didn’t work, that you didn’t really love that person.  Human beings are complicated and sometimes things simply do not work out and that is just a part of living.   
Another thing that these songs promote is the idea of a ‘good’ man or a ‘good’ woman.  There is no such thing.  R&B songs like Destiny Child’s “Cater to you”, make it seem as if there is some universal checklist of behaviors which a ‘good’ man or woman performs and “Poof!”  Your relationship works.  This also does not exist. People are entitled to complex personhood.  This means that people, no matter how hard they try may have characteristics, behaviors, and tendencies which are considered negative and/or positive, but being imperfect doesn’t make you incapable of loving or being loved.  With this in mind, it becomes very difficult to be an entirely good or entirely bad man or woman.  R&B songs leave very little opportunity for this grey area.
Sex
Sex and R&B go together like Peanut Butter and Jelly.  For many of us, R&B music was our very first introduction to the concept of sex and the catalyst for our first feelings of sexual expressions. R&B especially, 90’s R&B is a mash-up of sex, love, lust, and romance stirred up into a hearty gumbo and served atop a bed of brown rice.  It is steaming hot and delicious. Even as a youngster, it makes you crave for more.  However, real sex can be very different from the images in R&B music.  For a number of reasons, people, even adult, and experienced people often confuse sex with love.  You can have sex within love but this is not always the case and by no means a guarantee or even a byproduct of sex.  It is completely possible (and often more likely the case) to be sexually attracted and enjoy sex with someone who you are not in love with.  For many (dare I say most women), to truly enjoy sex, there is usually some sort of emotional connection to their partner, but this emotional connection is not always love.  
R&B music will have you under the impression that sex is this silky smooth activity complete with satin sheets, champagne, bubble baths, and professional caliber massages.  Real sex is complicated, sometimes awkward and you don’t really get it right for a few years with the same or a different partner.  It is often short and less idyllic.  While sometimes it can be the aforementioned type of activity, it simply isn't always and not everyone even desires these elements.  Sex is different for everyone and is simply centered around what you enjoy in your private time, with your private partner (in most cases). 

This music supports the notion that sex is an all-night intense sporting event, with songs like "I'll make love to you" by Boyz to Men, it’s easy to be misguided, especially as a woman.  We are often coined as the ones who have a biological clock, but men have them too. According to Men's Health and Web MD, the average man lasts about 14 minutes at a time.  So what Boyz to Men forgot to mention is there will be several water breaks in between.  Every man (and every woman for that matter) doesn’t have the level of experience or stamina necessary to have 6-10 hours of sex as expressed in nearly every Trey Songz ballad/club banger, (the lyrics are interchangeable). They also didn't mention the ways in which not only skill sets but desire changes over time. While in general, women's sexual desire increases with age, men's will decrease, a frustrating yet natural part of matriculation.
The important thing to remember as a lover of R&B is that it is just art. It is not a manual to neither follow nor expect.  It is someone else's expression of a very real tangible part of life.  While we might relate to the lyrics and rhythms, these are not the things upon which to base our hopes, dreams and especially our expectations.  While it sounds nice and in some cases might be someone else's temporary reality, we can't base our experiences on it.  It's ok, to have a soundtrack to life as long as you live your own.
Written: July 11, 2014
Edited: April 20,2019
Rapmusiq is a true renaissance woman by every sense of the word.  Daughter of dance, giver of light and keeper of all things rhythmic. From a long line of strong Jamaican women. Remembering that courage is not the absence of fear, but action despite it. Healer, helper, sister, friend and foe. Finding humor in this faith journey. Follow her on twitter @rapmusiq.






Comments

Popular posts from this blog

It's Not Love, it's Love Adjacent

It’s my thought that the heart and the mind take turns in sharing authority in how we pattern our personal decisions. They cannot both be in control at the same time, and I believe that there’s a celestial straw pulling to determine which will rule within each given moment. The dangerous part about this is, sometimes when the heart wins, we forget to use our brain . When this happens, we start making decisions that are completely passion driven, hunger driven, and backed behind a receptor that shouldn’t receive as much showtime as it’s getting. Sometimes you fall in love with someone that is all wrong for you. They don’t feed you spiritually, they don’t feed you mentally, and maybe they don’t respect you. But they have ONE or two things on our list, so we keep them around. But by osmosis, all the signs that you saw in the beginning appear a bit less obvious, and now you THINK you love this person. Your heart is in control and your brain is taking a break, your brain has

Ladies, Make Him Act Right! (From a man's perspective)

So ladies, we have a tendency to get advice from women about MEN far more than we should. So I have a special treat today. We're going to get some advice on how to entice, encourage, and exalt a man from you guested it.. A MAN. I picked one, who speaks with the sole purpose to educate. So some of his language may be a bit harder than you're used to but.. you will not be disappointed. Capt SistaGurl Out!  Introducing Tikko Brohey  Ladies do you feel like “dudes ain’t shit” or “dudes don’t act right?” Have you ever thought about the things you do that contribute to that? The answer is probably not.  Now granted there are dudes out there who just ain’t shit, and that’s just what it is. Majority of men are good men. But his partner can often determine just how good he'll actually be. Every woman deserves to be treated like a queen, as every man deserves to be treated like a king. The disconnect comes from when there’s an argument all the King and Queen shit is out the

April Preyar: Unveiling Trials & Triumph Board Game -SG Holiday Gift Guide Feature

Legal Empowerment and Cool Vibes Collide in the Perfect Holiday Gift Hey SistaGurls, Laura Miller here, aka Capt SistaGurl, and I am beyond excited to introduce you to a game-changer in legal education and empowerment. As we dive into the SG Holiday Gift Guide, let's shine a spotlight on April Preyar, the legal luminary behind th revolutionary Trials & Triumph Board Game. Trials & Triumph: A Legal Luminary's Vision: Crafted by the brilliant mind of April Preyar, a 21-year-old criminal defense attorney, Trials & Triumph is more than a game; it's a tool for navigating police encounters and fostering critical thinking, especially in our teens. As Capt SistaGurl, I'm all about empowerment, and this board game is a game-changer in that department. Empowering Critical Thinking in Teens: One of the standout features of Trials & Triumph is its ability to awaken critical thinking in our teens. In a world full of challenges and peer pressures, this game equips the