By: Rapmusiq
I must begin this article with the clear disclaimer that
I am a deep lover of 90’s R&B, Neo-Soul and any other music that falls
remotely into these categories. This music provided the soundtrack
to my adolescence and helped shape the level of expectation that I had for
future relationships. I know this music backward and forward and you
would be hard pressed to find an R&B hit from this era that I would be
unfamiliar with; let alone not know every single lyric and plot of the music
video. I remember seeing the music video for “Someone to Love you”
by Ruff Endz where the female protagonist, a new college student meets a
gorgeous male student in the library and falls in love.
I watched that video for the
first time as a junior high school student and I was convinced that this was
how I would meet my husband. Needless to say, this was not the
case. Not that I did not meet plenty of extremely nice, caring,
driven young men throughout undergrad and beyond, but none of these encounters
had storybook beginnings, middles or ends. It was all just plain
ole, real life which is always more exciting and often more harsh than
fiction. This is my humble opinion of the ways in which R&B
music past and present encourages a false level of expectation in real life
romantic relationships.
Idyllic Love
Firstly, R&B music makes it seem as though an
individual’s life is not complete without a romantic partner. I am a
firm believer that human beings are meant to exist in a community and were not
meant to live in isolation, contrary to the trend that many technologies
promote. Human beings yearn for connectivity on a number of levels
and having a romantic interest and partner can be a supremely fulfilling part
of your life. However, it is not the only reason we were put on
Earth. It is important to remember that prior to being in a
relationship or looking for one: you had a life. Most people have
family (whom they are born into), friends (the family you choose) and a
community whom you have been a part of long before that special someone
appeared on the scene.
ended, everyone, especially Queen Bey would be
devastated. But as the Queen also told us in ‘Sorry’ ‘I and my baby we gon be
alright/We gon have a good life’ demonstrating her ability to move on in the
event of an unhealthy romantic environment. Luckily for them and for us, they
were able to share what it looks like to work through romantic discord, restore
health, joy and come back stronger than ever!
These songs also make support the notion that if love is
lost or a relationship doesn’t work out, your life will end. Fact:
Your life will not end due to the end of a relationship unless you choose to
end it. Song’s like Toni Braxton’s "Breathe again" or
Jordan Sparks "No air" eloquently use the example of not being able
to breathe, (which we all know leads to certain death) to illustrate the
suffocating feeling of losing love. However realistic these poetic lyrics might
seem, it only feels this way for a short period of time. You will
not actually die. Slowly but surely, you will return to
normalcy. You will find things to occupy your excess time,
rediscover things and people that you enjoy and adopt new and exciting
experiences that will make you better for being released from that
person. It also doesn’t mean that because your relationship didn’t
work, that you didn’t really love that person. Human beings are
complicated and sometimes things simply do not work out and that is just a part
of living.
Another thing that these songs promote is the idea of a
‘good’ man or a ‘good’ woman. There is no such
thing. R&B songs like Destiny Child’s “Cater to you”, make it
seem as if there is some universal checklist of behaviors which a ‘good’
man or woman performs and “Poof!” Your relationship
works. This also does not exist. People are entitled to complex
personhood. This means that people, no matter how hard they try may
have characteristics, behaviors, and tendencies which are considered negative
and/or positive, but being imperfect doesn’t make you incapable of loving or
being loved. With this in mind, it becomes very difficult to be an
entirely good or entirely bad man or woman. R&B songs leave
very little opportunity for this grey area.
Sex
Sex and R&B go together like Peanut Butter and
Jelly. For many of us, R&B music was our very first introduction
to the concept of sex and the catalyst for our first feelings of sexual
expressions. R&B especially, 90’s R&B is a mash-up of sex, love, lust,
and romance stirred up into a hearty gumbo and served atop a bed of brown
rice. It is steaming hot and delicious. Even as a youngster, it
makes you crave for more. However, real sex can be very different
from the images in R&B music. For a number of reasons, people,
even adult, and experienced people often confuse sex with
love. You can have sex within love but this is not always
the case and by no means a guarantee or even a byproduct of sex. It
is completely possible (and often more likely the case) to be sexually
attracted and enjoy sex with someone who you are not in love with. For
many (dare I say most women), to truly enjoy sex, there is usually some sort of
emotional connection to their partner, but this emotional connection is not
always love.
R&B music will have you under the impression that sex
is this silky smooth activity complete with satin sheets, champagne, bubble
baths, and professional caliber massages. Real sex is complicated,
sometimes awkward and you don’t really get it right for a few years with the
same or a different partner. It is often short and
less idyllic. While sometimes it can be the aforementioned type of activity,
it simply isn't always and not everyone even desires these elements. Sex
is different for everyone and is simply centered around what you enjoy in your
private time, with your private partner (in most cases).
This music supports the notion that sex is an all-night
intense sporting event, with songs like "I'll make love to you" by
Boyz to Men, it’s easy to be misguided, especially as a woman. We are
often coined as the ones who have a biological clock, but men have them too.
According to Men's Health and Web MD, the average man lasts about 14 minutes at
a time. So what Boyz to Men forgot to mention is there will be several
water breaks in between. Every man (and every woman for that matter)
doesn’t have the level of experience or stamina necessary to have 6-10 hours of
sex as expressed in nearly every Trey Songz ballad/club banger, (the lyrics are
interchangeable). They also didn't mention the ways in which not only skill
sets but desire changes over time. While in general, women's sexual desire
increases with age, men's will decrease, a frustrating yet natural part of
matriculation.
The important thing to remember as a lover of
R&B is that it is just art. It is not a manual to neither follow nor
expect. It is someone else's expression of a very real tangible part of
life. While we might relate to the lyrics and rhythms, these are not the
things upon which to base our hopes, dreams and especially our
expectations. While it sounds nice and in some cases might be
someone else's temporary reality, we can't base our experiences on it.
It's ok, to have a soundtrack to life as long as you live your own.
Written: July 11, 2014
Edited: April 20,2019
Rapmusiq is a
true renaissance woman by every sense of the word. Daughter of dance,
giver of light and keeper of all things rhythmic. From a long line of strong
Jamaican women. Remembering that courage is not the absence of fear, but action
despite it. Healer, helper, sister, friend and foe. Finding humor in this faith
journey. Follow her on twitter @rapmusiq.
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