So initially my thought process about this issue was to speak of the men that allow women to support them, while they contribute little to the betterment or productivity of their homelife. However, after much thought, I think this topic has been done over and over and I want to approach it a bit differently (I may comeback to the men eventually, but.. not right now).
I want to talk about the WOMEN who allow their men to be this way. Now .. women are very understanding, especially black women, we understand and sympathize with the issues that our men face on a daily basis. We know that second chances come few and far between for them, we know that they weren’t always allocated the same opportunities that other men of other races were given, so we make special exceptions for that. These are excellent character traits! Not to discredit those things, but let’s face it ladies, black women face numerous obstacles as well. Somehow, within the many obstacles we face, we still MANAGE to get our asses up and do what we need to do. Even if it seems impossible. (There are also exceptions to this as well. Another topic we will discuss later).
Why within our strength as women, are we not championing these men to be their best selves? I think a lot of times we have these “black girl” sound bites in our head that have been fostered to us by our communities, and they paralyze us with inaction. “Black women are nags, black women don't know how to shut up, we don’t know how to support our men”, yadda yadda bullshit. We hate the stigma, and rightfully so. What some of us end up doing, is we try to single handedly disprove the stereotype. We can SUPPORT THE HELL OUT OF A BLACK MAN. Subconsciously for some, that support means financially, it means that we don’t push men to do better, cause we don’t want to lose the piece of man that we have. Let’s be clear, allowing a man to do nothing, support nothing, work for nothing, is not an enhancement on his life or yours. This is not a situation that I believe is relatable to every woman, or every relationship, but it is common enough for me to speak up about it.
We as women run these rationalizations in our heads, “Oh for 2 years he’s been looking for jobs on careerbuilder, just no one has called him, it’s hard to get a job as a black man, he’s a great dad, the sex is good” (Add more rationale if you like). Then we are the main ones to look down on our homegirls for the same reasons. No no honey, your man ain't no better than hers, if he is doing these things.
To reiterate, yes it can be hard for a black man to find a job in most markets, he may be a good father, and the sex may very well be good. (Side note: Have you ever been with a confident man, and had sex with him!?!?! HONEY! Get you one.) Newsflash, unless his name is TYRONE JACKSON, careerbuilder don’t know he black. Did he decide to go back to school to better himself? Is he working on a trade? Taking odd jobs? Developing a cure for HIV/AIDS? Or is homeboy just at the crib, waiting on you to come home, house smelling like his feet, and naan cleaning products, and he on the XBOX. THAT YOU BOUGHT. If this is your situation, we are not going to blame this completely on him. We are allowing this type of man to thrive in this day and age, there's even a name for them now. HOBOSEXUAL. Look it up.
Black men are capable of many things, if you ask me black men are capable of doing the impossible; just as much as black women are. So why would we as black women, have the audacity to ALLOW our men, that we love and cherish to DO NOTHING? It is a disservice to past, present, and future generations to come.
Nudge the complacency outta that man, you don’t have to feel like a nag, cause this is his life, and yours too. And if you do feel like a nag, or tough talks make you uncomfortable, think about all the little boys and girls that are within your reach; and imagine if the lifestyle that you and your mate are living would be okay for them. If the answer is no, then put on your big girl panties, stop being passive aggressive, and speak up!
You want your mate to be successful, you want to do more than struggle. You will no longer hand this man parts of your paycheck for his recreation, (Cause he been in the house all week, he need a night out with his boys. MORE BULLSHIT). He can go out when he puts forth some EFFORT to deserve those things.
I’m not saying anything that I wouldn’t say to myself or my dearest sista gurl. I am being real ladies. You need a black man to be a COMPLETE BLACK MAN. Men do not enjoy being perceived as incompetent, or anything less than a man, so let’s not treat them like this anymore. If by chance you turn the heat up on this fine gentlemen and he deems you unsupportive and leaves you, YOU WERE PAYING FOR EVERYTHING ANYWAY. Let him go.
Make room for the work that needs to be done within you. Allow yourself some time for self reflection to figure out why and how you began this pattern of supporting adults and not children. Ask yourself if there are any abandonment issues there. Check within to determine if you are in fact a doormat and align yourself with a better life path for yourself and be confident in your decisions.
Get to a point in your life where you demand what is best for YOU. If you dig deep you will realize that you don’t want to be an enabler and to definitely one’s fool, the wake up.
Lastly, don’t shade him in the streets, and lay with him in private. That’s disloyal and it does not help your homelife. Build him up at home, allow him the gift of having a woman with a voice who will uplift him in his time of need. You can do this sista gurl. Go be great!