Penned By Trinity
Two years in, a lifetime out. About 3 years ago, a "Situationship" I had been in for 2 years ended in a whirlwind, just as quickly as it had started, and with LOTS of unanswered questions. I was deeply in love with a man I knew everything about, except for the fact that he had a girlfriend. Therefore making me the ignorant side chick. A position in life I had never set out to hold. When you live your life just going with the flow you find yourself in the middle of a shit storm with no umbrella. Initially, when I first met "He", there was something so common about him, something about him so incessantly ordinary that made him seem..different. Special almost. However, on the inside my intuition screamed, "S.T.U.P.I.D!!! DON'T DO IT! HE'S STUPID." I took that to mean we were soulmates and this was the man for me honey! My inner self, who I refer to as Trinity (me, myself, and I) shook her head as I closed my eyes and ears to all of the screaming, knocking and banging going on inside of myself as she was trying to warn me of what was to come. Babyyy, let me tell you! Whenever your inner "she" starts having a fit the way mine did, you best take heed honey!! . Anyway, there I was, curious about this regular ass man; intrigued by the way women bowed their heads in his presence, by the way the guys admired him and shook his hand. So I agreed to exchange numbers. His demand that I text him as soon as I got back in the car tickled me, but I found myself so wrapped up in my thoughts about him, I had made it all the way home before I remembered his request. "you live on Ashland? You've been home 10 minutes already". This was his response when I finally texted his phone. "Just wanted to make sure you good baby" And just like that I was smitten. 2 years in, a lifetime out.
Throughout the course of the rel...excuse me the Situationship, he and I did everything and more that people in a relationship would do. He wasn't perfect and neither was I, but I was completely faithful for years to a man who was never mine. He would always refer to the title as being his "bitch" and as much as I loved this man, as much as I was addicted to this man, I could never except the place of being his "bitch". All of our days and nights were spent together so logically there was no time for him to be involved with anyone else. Just me, and "He" was how I saw our world. I was ok with that.
Until sweetest day 2011. That was when I found out about his actual "bitch", I smoked damn near a whole pack of cigarettes, had chest pain and heartache, and realized I couldn't do it. Needless to say that was a huge blow to my heart, my ego, and apparently to the illusion I had created for myself. Our beautiful poetic Situationship ended shortly after that, and I was left to pick up the pieces of my heart and my overall being. I am still recovering from an experience that left my self esteem damaged, my heart broken, and my integrity questioned. What I am learning is that you have to understand, forgive, and let go in order to be free. To move forward.
I never realized what a subliminal dagger I'd taken to my self esteem during my time with "He". I knew he liked tall, lighter skinned women with hair down their backs. Here I was, 5'2, brown, with locked hair, hoping his type would change because it definitely wasn't me! Nope! Never happened. So I was left with plenty of "whats wrong with me?" Thoughts. It even went so far, that I cut all of my beloved locks, because I was tired of being different. This regular man wanted a typical picture of beauty on his arm, and I was determined to become that. Hindsight is always 20/20, because who ever heard of dimming your star so someone would love you?? As ridiculous as it is, this is who I had become. How do you become someone and no one all at 1 time? Nope. You don't. No matter what I did, nothing worked. I just couldn't be ordinary. (Not to say that light skinned girls with long hair are ordinary, not by any means, I love the light skins, I'm just saying I have never fit into society's "conventional beauty category") I just couldn't make him love and respect me. I tried so hard to have his emotions reciprocated from him that I never noticed I was losing respect and love for myself. As women, we love so deeply, that it's easy to get lost. However, there's a reaction for every action, and often times you'll get stuck putting the pieces back together all on your own.
To side chicks everywhere, let's love ourselves enough to come off of the sideline. Don't we deserve to be the starting lineup? Trust your intuition, women always say they didn't know. Honestly, that's a cop out. You may not have known exactly what it was, but you felt something. Call it intuition, call it the Holy Spirit, "a feeling" (Call her Trinity!). Whatever it is to you, it's definitely there. Be honest enough with your self to say "Hey, something's not right and I deserve better" if you feel you do. If you have no problem being the side chick, that's fine too, but remember action equals reaction. "But I love him" yeah, and? I still have love for "him" in every part of me, but I understand and accept that I was the only one in love. I think he loved me the best way he knew how, just in the long run, his "best" wasn't enough for me. So I said goodbye to my first love , one of my best friends, and probably my strongest addiction.
At this point, I'm still in the twelve step program, I'm still healing. Yet my lesson, in my blessing, was one of self love. I had to experience what I knew love wasn't, to understand what it was. And now, I'm better.
"Caring for myself is not self indulgence, it is self preservation, and that is an act of political warfare"-Audre Lorde